What's your defense mechanism?

So let's say you meet, or already know, someone great. Your personalities match, they meet most of the points on your list, and heck you just happen to have a good time with them. You begin to think that if all continues to go well, this may be the next person (for some, first) you attempt a real, live adult relationship with. You know, that thing you've been talking about with your friends. "Girl, I just want a man that I can blah, blah, blah..." Well, the opportunity is here now. What do you do? Do you join his/her team and together plow through obstacles? Or do you do what most people do when a great opportunity presents itself: play defense?
I'm guilty. I play defense. My methods: I try to find something wrong. And I also flat out run. I become less available. Instead of cutting others off, I date them more. We all have our things that we do. We make excuses because either we're not really ready for what we say we are or we just don't want to be happy. I think the worst is when we recognize our defense mechanisms and we carry them as a badge of honor. I dated a dude who always talked about how he had the tendency to date great women but he could never treat them right. It was as if he was bragging. I was thankful for the warning but how about we try to combat the issue instead? Small steps are okay. I'm definitely working on mine. When I subconsciously say things that can be identified as defensive, I identify it. I immediately try to counter my thoughts. I always say that my heart wants to love but my mind always talks me out it. I'm making effort to change that. You should too. It just might make you really happy.

I Always Do My Research

I've been teased by friends.  I've upset ex boyfriends.  I get calls from friends of friends needing me to help them figure how to figure out if their man is cheating.  Why? I am Inspector Gadget and I always do my research.  This is just not in relationships, but in just about everything that peaks my interest.  This is the information age and with so many resources available, why not use them to my advantage?  They have saved me from a lot of potential heartache.  For instance, one time I was dating this older guy.  We went out on dates and had fun together, but there was still something I couldn't put my finger on.  We planned an out of town trip one weekend and he called last minute to cancel.  It was nothing too unusual but still my antenna raised.  I think this was the day Inspector Gadget was born.  I hit the Internet.  I don't even think Google was Google at that time but I researched his name.  I got nothing.  I knew his parents lived in a small city, so I researched them and found the proper spelling of his last name.  From there I did researches on his college years and then BOOM, there it was: His Jet magazine profile of his wedding.  This fool was in Jet!!! From there, I found his house in Plano (which was listed under another name).  I confronted him coincidentally on the day he wanted to tell me about impending divorce o_O.  That didn't work for me, so the dating relationship ended.  I later found out that he was a major drug dealer as well.  I'd driven his 745 on numerous occasions; there could have been drugs in that car!!! 

All in all, my research saves me.  With facebook and twitter I can observe potential suitors and see how much they reveal about themselves.  Yeah I can ask, but that's a risk of being lied to. :-)

Until next time...
SP

A Necessary Evil

One of my twitter buds, a male, made the statement that dating is overrated.  I inquired why and he said, "It's too much these days and people are not real."  My reply was simply: What's the alternative?  And if you think about it, there is no alternative to dating... in America.

Dating in my opinion, is a necessary evil.  Sure it can be fun and if you are a female, a way to eat your favorite foods without paying. ;-)  But when you decide to date specifically for the sake of building an actual relationship with someone, that sh*t gets downright annoying.  Here's where I totally understand what #oomf was saying when he said, "...people are not real".  Some people send their representatives.  Some people really don't have the intentions that they say to have in the beginning.  This leads to you going through the process of getting to know someone, pre-qualifying them, only to find out a month or two later that it is not going to work.  TRUST ME, I would rather find out sooner than later.  However the annoying part about that is now you have to start all over again with whomever.  Nothing annoys me more than the get to know you questions.  Let me make myself clear when I say get to know you questions.  I do not like the typical ones like: What do you like to do? Tell me about yourself.  I feel that people can be more creative in that process.  Luckily for me, I haven't run across too many guys with lack of creativity.  Still, the process of getting to know someone can be quite tiring. 

My follower went on to say that dating is really more for the female.  This may seem true but guys like the company of a pretty lady from time to time.  A date will definitely get you some (time).  The act of courting is as old as time.  History tells us that it is the man who leads.  As a southern belle, I like the idea of that.  While it may seem like the man is invested more financially in the courtship, he has to remember the reward.  Back in the day it was a woman who kept a nice home, bore the children, and handled her biz for her boo.  Today, I don't think much of it has changed.  Men date for that same reward.  Sure with half these chicks around here, it's not that easy but if everyone has gold in their backyard doesn't the price go down?

Am I ever going to stop dating? I hope so (sans my weekly date with my future hubby)!  Until then, what time are you picking me up?

So Now What?

It's that period of time in between the time you first start seeing someone and the actual confirmation of a relationship.  Sometimes it happens right after the confirmation.  I call it the 'So Now What?' phase.  You go from being super excited about getting to know someone new to not having anything else to ask.  Of course there are still things that you need to know, but those things come about differently in my opinion.  This is the part of the courtship where things go from 60mph to about 30mph; when the real pace is established.  This phase is most important because it determines whether you are really going to actually be with the person or not.  Now if it goes from 60mph to 0, then you already know that the interest is no longer there.  I think 30 is a good pace to level off at.  But as a girl, I find myself struggling with 30 in the beginning.  You can't get me all used to certain things like morning texts, random midday texts, and phone calls only to stop doing a few of those things.  That's when the questions come: are we really compatible? Or am I moving on down his dating totem pole?  Should I focus on BillyBob?

At this point I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and just let it flow.  This is important if I really like the guy because I tend to be quick to shift my focus elsewhere to prevent getting dissed.  Hey...we all do it.  If the interest is there or not so be it.  If you focus on the 'so now what', you're not focusing on the actual now because you're too busy thinking.  That was kind of confusing, but I get ME lol!

Until I ramble again...
SP

I'm Single. Are you single?

Bored the other night, I came across this video on YouTube.  This guy always cracks me up.  Not to mention that light and bright is a cutie pie.  But aside from all that, I get what he was saying.  As a single woman, I always seem to struggle when it comes to just dating a guy.  I try to date multiple guys at a time and I always let the other parties involved know that I am dating.  I make it clear that dating does not equal having sex with multiple people but like he said, most guys don't really care about that ish.  In my experience, guys up the ante when they feel they are competing against others (regardless of if they really care to pursue a real relationship with me).  They begin to try and maximize their time with me in order to make it hard for me to date anyone else.  I see nothing wrong with this as long as the true intent is to land a great girl and NOT win a competition.  And this really works if I am feeling that specific guy the most.  This almost always happens, which makes dating multiples difficult for me.  There's always one I am going to like more than others, and he moves into what Mr. LaVigne calls the pre-boyfriend stage.  At that point, I don't care to date the others and I shift my focus to the pre-boyfriend.  And that is where I struggle.  I'm single and dating. Should I continue to date other guys until I know for sure what he wants to do?  The 'girl' in me just doesn't know what to do.

Then there is his side of things.  Has he moved me to the pre-girlfriend stage?  Is he still dating the other girls?  My favorite part of the video is when Jerry states that he is dating "like 4-5 girls! (I'm number 6?!)" I laughed hard at that, but that's exactly how I would respond.  Competition turns me away.  I don't like to compete.  I mean really, at what point does he decide that he wants to be in a relationship and when he does number 6 definitely doesn't sound like a front runner. 

This dating thing just confuses me.  They say date like a man.  Well damn it, I have never been a man so I really don't know how this thing goes.  I prefer that any dude I date be honest and hopefully he's not dating 4/5 girls.  Hopefully he's looking for and recognizes quality when he sees it.  I also hope that he recognize if he meshes with me before it gets too far.  That's all a girl can ask for...

Until next time,
SP

Traveling With No Bags

Here we are halfway through my final year of my twenties.  I'm supposed to have at least 50 entries on this blog but hey... I am here now.  As I have stated in the previous entry, I feel like I can speak more about certain situations in my life. 

29 and a half!  How do I feel? Hmm...I am feeling pretty good these days.  For the first time I can honestly say that I am traveling with no bags.  Yeah, I made that up so let me hip you to my lingo.  For the first time, I am not hanging on to any baggage from previous relationships.  And by baggage I mean the actual person.  My exes tend to hang on to me.  And normally I let them.  They continue to frustrate me and get jealous as I attempt to move on with my life.  BUT NOW my heart is as cold as an assassin...I got no patience, and I hate waiting...my bad. LOL! But no for real, I finally buckled down and told the guys of my past that their ship had sailed and there was no chance for us to be together again.  I think we all keep certain people in our lives just in case.  For me, I was keeping up with guys who had really wronged me.  While I knew there was no chance in hell, I didn't exactly let them know that.  So I put my big girl draws on and spoke up.  And when I tell you that it has been refreshing, it truly has.  I feel like I can date more freely or travel with no bags!

Now the dating thing has been another story.  LOL! Since I am a very picky dater, I don't date too often.  I have been spending a lot of time focusing on me, hanging with friends, and taking cold showers.  I am enjoying every minute of it though!

Until next post...

I know...

So yes I know it's been awhile but so much has happened since I last posted. But I'm back and ready to spit hot fiyah. Lol! Not really hot. But I'm ready to talk again. This time I feel I'm more at liberty to speak now that I've cleared up certain situations that I will speak more about soon. That way I can definitely get my readership up by tweeting out my link and posting it on Facebook. I was away mostly due to the fact that I was working my longterm temp assignment and the babies took a lot of attention. The other reason I was away was because I really didn't have much going on. But the good news is my dating life has been restored and ya girl is enjoying herself. So I will tell you about my misadventures on the road to whatever. I'll write you soon! Peace.

Oh and if there are typos it's because I'm doing this from my iPhone. And I'm not going to spell check. 

Fairy Tales

"The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise - of fairy tales..."

Forget putting my kids to bed with fairytale stories, I'm putting them to bed with Anita Baker's Fairy Tales.  This way my girls will be prepared for womanhood and love.  It's not so much that I don't agree with the fairy tale of finding love; it's that damn Prince Charming that I have issues with.  It's what he represents and what he's done to many women (and men) in this world.  Prince Charming represents a perfection that is impossible to find.  I mean think about it... a white horse?  Most dudes I know with that kind of ride are assholes. LOL!

But no really... the problem with perfection is that it does not exist.  You see what happened to the Black Swan chick.  You will die trying to be perfect or in the case of this blog, you will die waiting on it.  I've heard both men and women nit-picking the things that their significant other doesn't do.  Hell I've been told by a former lover about what I don't do.  Apparently it scared him.  He wanted someone who was going to do all the things that he needed.  And he was released from his contract to find someone who does.  The thing is: that person is going to be missing something too.  Now this is a lesson that I've learned myself.  In my quest to get my fairytale ending, it's one of the biggest lessons that I have learned.  So instead of being obsessed with perfection, I'm looking for a close to perfection.

Is this settling?
Twenty three year old me is probably sucking her teeth and rolling her eyes right now.  You see, she was big on not settling.  Luckily, with age comes wisdom.  I don't think that it is settling.  I see it as maturity.  I'm older and certain things don't matter to me anymore.  So my dream guy list from 23 has some marks through it.  Most of the superficial things are gone and have been replaced with important character traits.  I've also learned not to focus on the things I don't like about a lover.  Because in the end, I may realize that I was sweating the small stuff.  You have to ask yourself: is this (whatever it may be) something that I absolutely can't live without?  So as I move along looking for my last relationship I have to remember that those fairytales are not what they're cracked up to be.  I can't expect the perfect man but I can expect one that's perfect enough.  I just hope he doesn't mind me playing Anita Baker for our daughters every night.

Ninjas is Bitches Too

I feel like it's been forever since I have blogged but it's only been a week.  I got myself a new gig, I am adapting so forgive me for my tardiness in post.  I'm really only speaking to my 1 or 2 readers. LOL
Any who, it's a snow day here in Phoenixland.  So I'm sitting here watching Pocahontas, washing clothes, and thinking.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have crazy stories about the men I have had in my life.  Some of them so unbelievable that they are worth putting them in a book...which I've started multiple times.  As I sat here thinking, I thought about my last couple of efforts at the relationship/dating thing.  They're all fairly different from each other because I don't have a specific type of man that I go for but they all have one thing in common: they don't know what the hell they want!

It's funny because men say that women never know what they want.  But over a process of the last few years I have learned what I want in a man.  And no, it's not a list of height, weight, and wallet size preferences; it's plain and simple.  I want a man who knows what he wants.  This includes all aspects of life: his aspirations, his woman, his children, everything.  I believe that when a man is sure in what he wants it makes it easier for me to trust him.  Think about our powerful leaders.  They have such confidence in their goals that it makes it easier to follow them. 

I say my last few had no clue.  But let them tell it, they did.  There was one who had these things that he knew his lady had to do.  I adapted to the things that he wanted.  He had a lady that cooked, cleaned, and sexed him up and yet he still found something wrong and stepped out on me.  He had what he wanted right? Another just didn't know what he wanted at all.  He thought he wanted me but then again he liked his freedom, but wait...he couldn't live without me, and then it was about the things I didn't do.  Honey was too confused, I decided for him and left him the hell alone.  So yeah, like I said, men always complain that woman are confused and never know what they want.  After my last couple of rounds with them I have concluded that "Ninjas is bitches too". And I meant to say is...

Dear Future Husband...

Dear Future Husband,

I'm 29 years old and you are not here yet.  It's perfectly fine, I am in no rush at the time.  But there are some things that I want you to understand about the wait that will have some effect on our marriage.  Let me explain.  I've been on my own for 11 years now and majority of that time I have spent living alone.  Habits have definitely formed and the longer I wait, the harder they will be to break.  When I get off of work I like silence.  When I come in the house I will probably nod your way or kiss you but after that: silence! Please don't think I am upset with you, please don't bombard me with questions about my day or what's for dinner.  I will speak when I am ready.  About dinner...my imagination leads me to believe that I will prepare you dinner 4-5 nights a week HOWEVER reality is I cook for myself 2-3 (in a good week).  So I'll need you to work with me on the dinner thing.  Umm what else? Oh yeah, I'm a bit of an ashy bear in the winter.  I shave religiously in the summer but when winter time arrives, I lose my religion. Instead of shaving every 2 days, it's more like every week.  Not to worry though, the older I get the less hair seems to grow back on my legs.  And yes I'm really only speaking of my legs so don't worry about "other" areas.  In my mind I think the extra hair on my legs keeps me warm.  Maybe when you come around, I'll be motivated to shave.  But like I said, the longer I wait... Another thing is I'm not as glamorous as you think I am.  I know my facebook pictures look like I am a fun, cute girl that is kind of fashionable but please understand that I am a regular girl.  I don't wear full make up, cute clothes, and heels around the house all the time.  Hopefully in our courting phase, you will understand that and decide to stay.  The financial side of things is a whole notha story.  While I'm not a complete mess, there are some habits that I have with money that you may not understand.  I pay my bills but there are other expenses that you may not understand but I guarantee you benefit from them.  We'll just file that under maintenance.  And then there's the kid thing.  Sure I want them.  Two sounds like a good number.  However, if you don't get here in a good amount of time for us to date, get married, and enjoy a year or two of newlywed bliss; that two will turn to one.  Any longer and the one will turn into a teacup pup and a pit.  The older I am, the harder for me to maintain the bod you fell in love with and not to mention the health risk for the babies.
Anywho, I'm excited about the possibility of meeting you.  Don't make me wait too long! MUAH!

Love,
Summer Pheezie!

The EX Files

I was writing a completely different blog when I received a call that led me to this one.  If you're a single, black woman over the age of 25 I KNOW you can relate. 

So my phone rings at 10:30pm, I look at the screen and notice its the name of an old, now married friend.  I answer the phone with a confused hello.  You know the "why the hell are you calling me" voice.  And no, not because I'm mad or bitter but because I always think of the wife.  Would she appreciate her man calling a female that she doesn't know at 10:30?  I'm sure the answer is no hence my attitude.  The conversation is light.  He asks how I've been, I tell him.  I ask him about his wife, he makes light of their marriage.  And then the conversation turns when he says, "Man I wish you could of been my wife". (Le sigh)  The conversation ended shortly after that.

The sad part about this conversation is that I have had it with more than one married man from my past.  They all call under the guise that they are just checking on me and then it always turn to the shoulda, coulda, wouldas.  I wonder how many women from their past that they call and try to reminisce with.  Now I could be all full of myself and think that it's just me that they call but I know better than that.  What is it with guys and their dreams of what could have been?  It makes me nervous about my future hubby.  Is he going to be calling up his college sweetheart?  I have had two of the guys tell me that they were in the process of getting a divorce and the two of them are still married.  Maybe they were hoping that by telling me that, I would give them some predivorce booty.  Luckily I am smarter than your average bear.  I do my duty and pay no mind to these married men.  I respect marriage.  I do this in hopes that one day if my husband decides to go back down memory lane, he comes across a woman like me. 

Tardy For the Party

I had a recent text convo with a friend:

Friend: You should come out to Bella32 tonight!
Me: No, it's too much for my taste.
Friend: What do you mean girl?
Me: I like Hosea Chanchez but I don't want to party with him and all the people who want to party with him.  It's going to be entirely too much going on there for me.

She was still utterly confused.  What she didn't understand was between the ages of 18-27, I partied hard.  When I say partied, I mean partied.  At 18, I went to a university known as a party (as well as academics) school.  From Thursday to Sunday night me and my girls hit the ground running.  And not just the cute partying like we do now.  I mean the 'go straight to the middle of the club and dance til our hair sweated out' partying.  By 21, my party days had reduced but not only was I partying at school; it became a traveling thing.  When I would go home on visits, my family would barely see me.  Why? Because I was headed out to the IT clubs in the city.  Not to mention those road trips to party at other colleges.  By 23 I was national, well...in Miami at least once a year.  My partying in Miami included being ushered into VIP with NFL players, singers, rappers, and producers.  Dancing on top of tables until the break of dawn, going to breakfast, and then back home for a 3 hour nap before getting up to do it all over again.  Leaving hotels to be put up with my girls in condos with car service.  Ahh...the memories!  By 25 I was enjoying my new found adult life in my hometown.  Dating, dancing, and partying from Thursday to Sunday all while working a full time job and attending night school.  And I can't forget the occasional trips to Houston, New York, Cali, etc. for weekend fun. I became a self proclaimed "social butterfly" of the Dallas scene, getting to know all the party promoters for exclusive access to bottle service and a good time.  By 27, I was tired.  A new school of partiers had been ushered in.  I became thirsty for more in life.

So here I am at 29.  Don't get me wrong, if the occasion and the club is right, I'm in there.  But on an average Friday night, going to the club hosted by an actor and a couple of local celebrities doesn't appeal to me.  Call me lame but I would rather have a nice night cuddling with a boo, drinking with the crew, or by myself watching a House marathon on Bravo.  Dinner parties get me going!  An opportunity for interesting conversation with a friend of a friend float my boat.  Oh yeah, concerts and comedy shows too!  The club thing is over for me.  I am ready for the next phase in life.  And while my friend was totally confused as to why I was being lame, it was her who was totally tardy for the party.  Cause honey, you're just now getting started...I've been there, done that, and moved on. 

Puppy Love is the Sweetest Love

Sometimes I find myself thinking about my first real boyfriend.  Yes, the one I was with nearly 10 years ago in high school.  The one who is now a preacher and also married with children.  And no, not because he's now some successful Adonis (he's put on 30 pounds) but because the love we had for each other was pure.  At 15, the adults around us passed off our love as puppy love.  They knew our "together forever" promises would fade either in high school or shortly after we went off to college.  Regardless, we felt that we were going to be together forever.  As an adult, I honestly feel like I truly loved him.  There was a deep trust in him.  This was before heartbreak... before the games. 

Now I feel like hardly any one truly loves anymore.  The trust in love now is like trying to sleep with one eye open; it ain't gone happen.  Each person is trying to protect their heart.  I feel like you can't give your heart away if you're too busy protecting it.  I'm guilty of it myself but in this year of pressing 30, I promised myself that I would be more open to love.  I want the puppy love that will have naysayers doubting its authenticity.  I want the puppy love that will give other women hope.  And trust, when it happens...you'll be the first to know.  Who knows, it may already be around me but I've been blocking it...